Kurera muri iki gihe bisigaye bigoye bitewe n’iterambere ryihuta cyane, aho usanga abakuzeho gato bahura n’ibibazo by’uko batumva urubyiruko rwo muri iki kinyejana, kandi urubyiruko na rwo rwumva ko ababyeyi basigajwe inyuma n’iterambere. Kandi nyamara umwana ahora ari umwana imbere y’umubyeyi; kuko buri gihe aba akeneye inama z’umubyeyi. Ibi rero bisaba umubyeyi kwiga uburyo yakoresha kugira ngo yiyegereze umwana we amugire inama, adategereje ko yigishwa n’Isi.
Twifashishije umwanditsi w’igitabo ‘Conscious Parenting’, Dr. Shefali, avuga ko imirerere y’ubu itandukanye n’iya kera, kuko ubu bikwiriye ko umubyeyi arera umwana we amuha ijambo, baringaniye mu biganiro byabo, umwana afatwa nk’umuntu na we ufite ijambo ku bimukorerwa, atari ugupfa kumufatira imyanzuro ku buzima bwe atagishijwe inama.
Iyo rero imibanire y’umubyeyi n’umwana imeze uko, niho umwana ashobora kukumva. Abashakashatsi rero batandukanye bemeranya na Dr Shefali bashishikariza ababyeyi kwiyegereza abana babo.
Kugira ngo umuntu akubohokere akubwire ibiri ku mutima we biva ku buryo mubanye.
Dore uburyo wakwiyegereza umwana wawe w’umwangavu (teenager), akakwiyumvamo ku buryo akwisanzuraho akakubwira ibyo arimo gucamo, ukaba wamufasha mu kumugira inama, cyangwa gukumira ibibazo ashobora kwisangamo:
1. Igire inshuti ye ya hafi: Musohokane mwicarane ahantu heza akunda muganire cyangwa mu gihe azanye inshuti ze mu rugo ubareke bisanzure, nibaba bari kuvuga ibiganiro rusange nawe utange igitekerezo nk’umuntu muto; bituma akwiyumvamo bitewe n’uko inshuti ze zigufashe. Usanga bavuga bati “umubyeyi wa kanaka ni umujama”. Iyo bigenze gutyo arabohoka no mu gihe yagize akintu kimubabaje ni wowe uba uwa mbere abibwira, kuko aba yumva usobanutse nk’uko babivuga.
Ibi rero bigusaba guhora wihugura ku bigezweho mu rubyiruko, byaba ibyiza ubimenye yewe n’ibibi ubimenye.
2. Gerageza ujye wumva cyane kurusha kuvuga: Iga gutega amatwi cyane kurusha kuvuga, kuko abangavu baba bazi ko bakuze kandi bazi ubwenge cyane. Rero iyo wihaye kujya umusomera cyangwa umwereka ko akiri muto ntacyo azi, ahubwo akwiye kukumvira nk’umubyeyi we, sha ntibivamo kuko uzasanga muhora mu manza cyangwa muserera.
Kumva undi muntu ni ingirakamaro cyane nubwo bishoborwa na bacye. Mu gihe wenda umwana wawe hari ingingo (topic) yumva adashobora kukuganirizaho, ntumushyireho igitugu umubaza ibibazo byinshi, ahubwo wamubaza niba ashaka ko umwumva mugatekerereza hamwe mu rwego rwo gushaka igisubizo.
3. Ntumucire urubanza: Abangavu kuko baba bakiri bato ariko bo bibwira ko bamaze gukura, hari igihe bafata imyanzuro mibi, kandi ikabagiraho ingaruka. Nyuma byamucanze akaza kukubwira ati mama byagenze uku n’uku. Mu gihe biba byabaye, warangiza ugatangira kumutonganya umwereka ko ari ikigoryi, byaba na ngombwa bitewe n’uburemere bw’ikosa ukamuhana; bizaba ubwa nyuma kuko ntabwo azongera kugira ibanga akubitsa mu buzima bwe bwose.
Uburyo wakoramo, wakwigira nk’umuntu umwumva nawe ukaba umwangavu; kugira ngo mushobore kubona ibintu kimwe, warangiza ugasa nk’umugira inama y’icyari kuba cyiza wishize mu mwanya we, kandi gerageza uvuge mu ijwi rituje. Mu gihe arimo kukubaza ibibazo by’amatsiko abangavu bagira, musubize kandi utamwereka ko ibyo bintu ari ishyano.
4. Jya umuganiriza nk’umuntu mukuru ndetse umwereke ko umufitiye icyizere mu byo akora, mu kumuha ubwisanzure bwo gutekereza no gukora icyo yumva gikwiriye: Iyo udaha umwana wawe w’ingimbi ubwisanzure nk’umuntu ushobora kwifatira umwanzuro, bigira ingaruka mbi. Aho ubona ko arimo gukora ibintu bibogamye umugire inama ariko utamwereka ko umupinze, ari umwana atazi icyo akora. Iyo utabikoze uko bituma akora ibintu bye mu ibanga ukaba utabona n’uburyo bwo kumukosora kuko aba azi ko umupinga.
Ibi bitandukanye n’imirerere yo kurekurira umwana ngo yigenge (permissive parenting), aho umubyeyi aba ari ntibindeba mu buzima bw’umwana; ugasanga umwana ameze nk’uwirera. Hano uramukurikirana ariko ukirinda gushaka kumufatira imyanzuro ashoboye, ahubwo ukajya uba umujyanama gusa. Buriya ibintu byinshi tubyigira mu inararibonye y’ubuzima (experience). Muhe ubwisanzure bwo gukosa, kuko muri ayo makosa ariga kandi ntazongera kurisubiramo.
5. Mubyeyi ntiwigire marayika imbere y’umwana wawe; musangize ubuzima bwawe bw’ubusore cyangwa ubukumi bwawe: Akenshi ababyeyi bakunda kwereka abana babo ishusho y’uko bo bakiri abasore n’inkumi, bari abamalayika nta kosa bigeze bakora, bubahaga ababyeyi babo n’abandi bose babakuriye, ntibigeze bakora amakosa mu rukundo,n’ibindi.
Ibi ntabwo ari bibi guha umwana wawe ishusho nziza dore n’iyo waba wari umuntu udashoboka, si ngombwa kubibwira umwana kuko mu maso ye uba uri intwari n’umuntu w’indashyikirwa. Ariko iyo wa mwana amaze gukura hari ibyo utamubeshya.
Nk’uko bitangazwa na Carl Pickhardt, umwanditsi w’igitabo “Holding on while letting go: Parenting your child through the four freedoms of adolescence”, asobanura ko iyo wifuza ko umwana wawe agusangiza amakuru bwite y’ubuzima bwe, nawe nk’umubyeyi uba ukwiriye gusangiza uwo mwana ubuzima bwawe bw’igihe wari umusore.
Rero iyo umwana wawe amaze kugera mu myaka y’ubwangavu cyangwa mu busore, gerageza umubwire bimwe mu byaranze ubuzima bwawe niba hari n’amakosa waguyemo mubwire, kugira ngo akuremo amasomo. Ibi bituma akubona nk’umunyakuri, bigatuma na we akwizera, akakugisha inama mu bijyanye n’ibyo na we agenda anyuramo byaba ibyiza cyangwa ibibi.
Urugero: wakundanye n’umusore uramwizera cyane nyuma mumaze kuryamana akagutera indobo, niba byarakubayeho bimubwire kuko bishobora kuzamurinda kugwa mw’ikosa nk’iryawe. Cyangwa niba hari umwaka wasibiye bitewe n’uko umwanya wawe munini wawiheraga umusore mukundana, noneho na nyuma akaza kukubenga.
6. Ba hafi y’umwana wawe haba mu byiza no mu bibi: Mu gihe umwana wawe agufungukiye akakubwira bimwe mu bimuhangayikishije, gerageza umwumve kandi umugire inama nk’umuntu w’inshuti ye nta kumutaho imfane (blaming), niba wenda ari ingaruka y’ikintu runaka yakoze. Mwereke ko umusobanukiwe neza kandi nubwo yisanze mu ngaruka mbi, mugire inama itarimo kumucira urubanza ahubwo wishyira mu mwanya we ufatiye ku bumenyi afite, imyaka ye, ibi byose bigira ingaruka mu myanzuro dufata. Haranira kuba umwe mu bantu b’ingenzi (support systems) bafasha umwana wawe.
Urugero: umukobwa wawe yatwise, muri uwo mwanya umugoye ntibikwiye ko nawe umuzanira umutwaro wo gutangira kumwereka amakosa ye; kuko na we aba amaze kubona ikosa yakoze aharanira gukira icyo gikomere cyo kumutima. Kuko akenshi usanga uwamuteye inda yamwihakanye, rero adashobora kwiyumvisha ibirimo kumubaho, mubere inshuti nziza umukomeze, umwereka ko mu buzima bibaho kandi bizarangira. Ibi bizatuma akwizera iteka ryose.
Irene Nyambo
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